In a communiqué issued today, the Department of Homeland security announced it intends to replace God. Citing God’s recent cataract operation, the Department of Homeland Security will replace God’s all-seeing eye with a global oversight system capable of scooping up information about every living thing on Earth. “From now on, our eye is on the Turtle,” declared James R. Clapper, head of the NSA, “and on the Lizard, the Snake, and on the President of the European Union. When a reporter pointed out to Mr. Clapper that as such, no President of the European Union actually exists, Mr. Clapper brushed aside his objection, saying he told the truth, “as close as he could get it.”
Mr. Clapper outlined a number of government programs, which, in their totality, aim to replace all godly powers by 2013, including the power of life and death. Already the President, as Commander-in-Chief, wields the Tuesday Pen, a scepter-like instrument designed to determine who in the colonies of Pakistan, Yemen, Libya, Sudan, and Somalia will die in any designated week. A program of total colony expansion is effectively underway.
Other godlike powers are expected to fall under the Security Apparatus of the United States within the next few weeks: the ability to waste whistleblowers who embarrass the Higher Power. God’s recent statement: “I don’t intend to scramble jets or anything like that,” is indication of what Mr. Clapper states remains only a temporary state of affairs. “We intend to have the entire God-apparatus in full swing by Independence Day.” By then, the Department expects Evil to be fully automated. The help of the CIA, FBI, and Homeland Security will no longer be required to coax any Bombers along, in the Underwear Category, the Marathon Category, or any other Categories. The Department of Lying has already reached that status, Mr. Clapper pointed out.
When told that a top judge at the International Criminal Tribunal at the Hague had issued international warrants for the arrests of George W. Bush and Barack Obama for war crimes, Mr. Clapper pooh-poohed such a claim, citing the all-powerfulness of God and declaring, “one way or another, no warrant from any cheesy kind of kangaroo court represents any risks to Us.”
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July 8, 2013